Being vulnerable doesn’t equal being victim
Some of the questions I am asked often in my Emotional Intelligence courses are:
“Sudhanya, you are teaching me to express my feelings but then …
..my family thinks I am weak if I am emotional”
..won’t my friends think I am seeking attention?”
..others make fun of my sensitivity”
..I am scared to face my own emotions”
..it is painful to acknowledge how loved ones have wronged me”
..my ego prevents me to express, makes me feel I am a loser”
Very valid statements. I totally acknowledge each and every one of them.
Expressing emotion comes with a big risk; the risk of expressing honestly, not being able to control the outcome from the other side and hence getting hurt. This is called being Vulnerable.
Although, in my opinion, taking the courage to be vulnerable needs some more prep work to ensure you don’t end up being victim of your own emotions. As a result of being a victim, you may end up draining your own energy or draining energy of people around you. Setting the right foundation is core and here are some of my guidelines to be healthily and authentically vulnerable:
Clear intentions: Having clarity on why you want to express can help you choose the right words and vibes. It is inevitable to share that if your intention is to focus on the problem rather than the solution, you may want to reduce the emotional charge before expressing.
Know your audience: An important misconception busted: Sharing with your first family or childhood friend doesn’t guarantee empathy or being understood. With time, we all outgrow people who have been close to us once, on different categories of life.
Process before express: I love a quote by Brene Brown, ‘Vulnerability minus boundary is not equal to vulnerability’. Expressing on topics where your wounds are still open is not a good idea at all. You are not obliged to share everything until you have processed it yourself, work on your wounds and once they have healed, they will serve you rightly.
Find your medium: Showing vulnerability is not limited to confidential conversations. Being an introvert, I find art as a great medium to be vulnerable. Poetry, journaling, dancing, singing, painting – there are so many art forms that can express the depth of your feelings. The point is to express, it is very vital for our well being; doesn’t matter if someone receives it or not!
Belong to the right tribe: Being vulnerable is deeply connected to the need of feeling understood. Finding the right tribe can make your journey much easier; as your feelings will be attended and you will feel belonged, an essential requirement of being a social animal. I am big time into personal development and hence I have chosen friends who are into it too, it is much easier to be vulnerable to them.
Validate yourself: Many times, we are emotional to seek validity and approval of others to feel so. That comes from a lack of trust on own self, others can always sense that and hence feel drained around you. Learn to validate your own emotions (they don’t need to true still) and communicate for the right reasons. Vibes will change, even if your message is same and that will make the other side much more accepting.
Don’t personalize other comments: Sometimes, being vulnerable is a two-way communication. Even if you communicate for the right reasons and take your responsibility into account, there is fifty percent chance to get still hurt. And that is because the other side purposely hurts you in reaction of your honesty. Please don’t react or personalize, the way people react has to say more about them than you. We all have wounds to process, have a big heart to forgive.
Work on your prejudices: Many times, we are scared to express because of false assumptions. Breaking the pattern of irrational believes can make you feel free and hence accepting any consequence will be easier.
Learn the lesson & move on: You might prepare your utmost to be as sensible as possible while being vulnerable, but still we are humans, we say uncanny stuff which we don’t really mean sometimes. Learn to forgive yourself and be better at being vulnerable every time. It’s a muscle to practice; focus on expressing to get rid of the pain, please do not brood them.
Express to inspire: I believe that healed wounds are meant to be shared. Your vulnerable story might be a source of inspiration to take the next step in someone else’s life. That personal story is no more yours, it has a bigger reason to be told. That’s my biggest reason for being vulnerable to a bigger audience.
